Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Ways in Which I Am An Asshole

A preThankgiving poem:
1. I can never hear the age of someone who had recent success and not calculate my age and success (or lack thereof) in comparison. Then I subtract years for my "rich" (as in untoward) past, my "real world experience" (I managed computers) and add successes such as got the oil changed, made breakfast, and washed all the dishes. For example: Parker Posey is older than I. By a bit. She's been in many movies. I've published some poems. She's being interviewed on Fresh Air. I am listening to Fresh Air. If I was on Fresh Air, I wouldn't say "you know" and "um" so much. She has been typed as Indie Actress. I haven't been typecast at all. My movie career is still wide open.
2. I must recount to Egg every time I wash a dish. Make note of it. Register in the Championship Spouse contest of which I am most certainly a winner because not only did I wash that dish, I made sure he noticed.
3. I noticed, but did not mention, that he changed the shower curtain, the lightbulb and Zo's sheets, therefore not adding points to his Championship column.
4. I'd rather be baking pie than teaching today. I love to teach but I haven't been able to cook all semester because of my late afternoon, early evening questions. And those pies aren't going to cook themselves. And, if Egg goes about cooking them, a) he'll get Championship points and b) they (the pies, not the points) could turn out weird. My students should add this class-having to their list of their own jerkish traits.
5. I am also mad at the students who walk in the crosswalk. And those who walk outside of it. I'm annoyed by cars when I'm in the crosswalk. But I've written of this before.
6. I am glad the in-laws are coming so Zo, she-who-must-always-be-carried, can be carried by someone else.
7. I am secretly looking forward to Zo not letting them hold her, or at least, not when I'm around.
8. I am a huge hypocrit because I decry those mamas' babies. And Z isn't one. Usually.
9. Because I'm going to have my students write an I'm-an-asshole list and call it a poem.
10. Because today, of all days, I will give them rules and then proceed to break them (the rules, not the students.)

3 comments:

Lisa B. said...

C'mon, break some students, too--y'know, while you're at it.

Dr. Write said...

I'm glad you do this too. I thought I was the only one who did the add and subtract, the "but I'm a good person," the "but maybe someday I'll win the Booker prize" but wait I don't live in England and haven't yet completed a manuscript, let alone a whole damn novel. I must remind myself that I am stellar in other ways. And, of course, ultimately an asshole. But I washed the dishes. Hey, I washed the dishes. Did anyone notice?
(side note: I will be making the labor intensive pies tomorrow night. The bake the pumpkin, cool, then make the crust, put in fridge, mash the pumpkin to a smooth puree, etc. I'll be drinking wine too. does that make me an asshole?)

val said...

I didn't make my pie crusts from scratch. It not only makes me an asshole but the pie(s) were dismal.

I am listening to boy cry and thinking... it can't possibly hurt that bad.

Asshole.