Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Survivor: Urban City Edition

I've been sleeping somewhat better but I still have patches of sleeplessness in the mornings. What do I think about during these times? Intensely productive thoughts like what would it be like if the show Survivor was a bit more realistic? Like, if you had to survive in your current house but without water or heat or power. And then I thought how survival would be different depending on what city you lived in, which led to these great thoughts. Forgive me in advance.

Survivor New York City: You're set down in NYC with a gun, a knife and a billfold full of cash but when you go to take the subway, you see it's been replaced by a monorail. Then you notice that the metrocard machine only takes Disneyland tokens. Your challenge: To reach the Magic Kingdom in less time than it takes to wait on the Space Mountain line.

Survivor Detroit: Opposite scenario. You have neither gun nor knife nor billfold, just a pocketful of Disneyland tokens. Challenge: To find a "revitalized" part of the city and keep it vital by sheer wit and will alone. Oh wait, that's what most Detroiters do every day.

Survivor Portland: You're set down on the Hawthorne Bridge in Portland without black-rimmed glasses, secondhand dress, or a bicycle. Challenge: To prove to Portland police that it is in fact legal for you to walk eastward into the coolie part of town.

Survivor Austin: You're set down in Austin but you've been stripped of your love for tacos, music, or margaritas. Your challenge: To explain to yourself the purpose of the city without those loves.

Survivor Cleveland: You're set down on a street in Cleveland where every house is for sale. Challenge: To find a house where the seller still holds the deed and offer to pay them what they paid for their house 10 years ago.

Survivor L.A.: Same scenario as Cleveland but with more hope toward profit. Challenge: Find a house for sale and wait and wait and think, is this the bottom of the market yet? Is this the bottom of the market yet? Purchase house and pray the house appraises for more next year.

Survivor Salt Lake: You're set down on a Saturday night after 10 p.m. of a holiday weekend. You've planned a big barbecue for Monday but have forgotten the liquor stores are closed until Tuesday. Challenge: Find a way to make/keep your guests appropriately inebriated. (This did not happen to me but it's one of the nightmares that wakes me up at 3:00 a.m.)

Survivor Flagstaff: You find yourself in downtown Flagstaff. You're starving for dinner and there's outdoor seating available at an OK restaurant. Challenge: To keep yourself warm and awake after 5:00 on a summer evening now that the sun's gone down and you realize why the patio is open.

Please feel free to add your own. As you can see, stereotype and Yahoo news headlines are sufficient to make judgments about the city. Fair is fair in the surviving game.


Anonymous said...

Survivor: Appleton, Wisconsin. You're dropped off on a Sunday afternoon in January wearing just a light windbreaker, jeans, and a Chicago Bears jersey. Your gloves and hat are made of cotton (of all things!) People notice your suffering, but given your jersey, you are dead to them. Your task: saving your life.

Nik said...

Nice Appleton Wisconsin Man! You need a pseudonym--perhaps Wool Hat. That's how I survived Michigan winters. Sometimes. I'd wear it indoors sometimes. But I was warm even in the numbers below.

P said...

Survivor: Baltimore. You have to take the bus.