Saturday, February 18, 2006

Mess

I feel mentally unstable. I just proofread an essay of mine that's coming up in a journal and it's much too personal, especially if it's read without the essay that explains why I have no modesty whatsoever. Ugh, the whole nonfiction book project is a rubbernecking, gossip fest. Which is how I'll market it, but still. There's something a little striptease about it.
Which makes me think I'm unstable. Which makes me wonder how can I take a job when I know some of the reasons I'm doing it are bad ones--for money, for esteem, for natural career progression. Good reasons would be: I want a change, I like the school, I like the city, I love to teach. And I'll go for those reasons too, but the bad reasons are the ones that make me wonder what choices I would make differently if I wasn't so, well, conventional. But even my most unconventional friends have begun to make the responsible choices: Misty became a lawyer (and goes by Renae), Joy join the HotShots in New Mexico so she could make enough money to live in Idaho next year, John got a full time job for the forest service.....
And, I'm so lucky to have been offered this great job. But I don't want to use up all my good luck on jobs. I was looking at some wineglasses sitting on the counter and one of them was tipped, held up by another glass and I thought I don't want to waste all my good luck on keeping wineglasses whole. But it's true. I have substantial good luck in wineglasses. I still have 5 of the 8 Erik and I got for our wedding. On the other hand, I have bad luck with cars. Just yesterday, with TWO cars of mine in the driveway, neither would start. Erik's ignition was frozen (or the key is dull) and my battery is dead. On the same day! I guess I should take my good luck where it comes. But sometimes bad luck masquerades as good. What if I'd missed an accident because my car wouldn't start???? I know, thoughts like these are paralyzing. The truth of the matter, it will probably all come out in the wash. Or, in other words, it will all end in cliche. One way or another.

4 comments:

Dr. Write said...

We need look no further than the wisdom of Flannery O'Connor.
"Everybody is different."
"Yes, most people is."
"Some people are more alike than others."
How are those for some platitudes?
In other words, I don't think you've wasted your good luck on your fabulous husband and amazing daughter. It just shows that your intuition is right on track. Everything is coming together. It's all synchronicity and convergence.
Or, It's all good baby. Go with the flow.
We all have to pay the rent. You haven't wasted your luck, you're just learning how to channel it.

Nik said...

Lynn,
I don't think this would any fun without you.
Nik

Dr. Write said...

Hey I just learned something else in Utne reader:
Pronia: the philosophy that the world is conspiring to shower one with blessings.
Clearly you are experiencing an epoch of pronia in your life.
Celebrate!

val said...

Luck is a very touchy deal. I'd have to say that luck has absolutely nothing to do with - well I mean - everything to do with your life. Since my most recent problem is deciding what I'm going to have for the dinner party tonight - deciding where you are going to live and bring up that brilliant baby is much higher on the list!
You are larger than life and notice the good stuff. That baby smiles - and the husband smiles - and you smile. Even through the darkest of times.

So anyway, what's for dinner?