Last night, when Erik got called in AGAIN at midnight, I thought about how much time I spend in crisis mode. Early pregnancy is nonstop worry. Applying for fellowships. Finishing novels (I still think of things I should add to the novel--the word "quenelle" in the food, a speech by Simon post "realization," Mr. Heraldson saying "Simon sure is one for Damsel's in distress," Vastar telling more stories while Quinn lies comatose...... . Applying for jobs. Traveling. Wondering will I ever write a poem I like again ala the Darwin poem? Will wolves move to Utah? Is my neighbor across the state a pedophile? Will I be able to teach AND stay awake? Money. Money. House. Remodeling. Will the tomatoes get planted? Will the Cialis spam ever cease? (I do want to please my wife, I really do, but...) Will Erik come back from Vernal ever? Breaking news has become anaethma at my house.
I don't mean to imply that crises are bad. In fact, I'm sure I somewhat thrive on them. Living is that crisis energy running through everything. But my nature is fear and worry and I always have to counter that with some more optimistic balancing perspective. Fear is paralyzing. So I look for ways to incorporate the crisis into something positive--hence the writing, I suppose. As if you can transform the energy from one thing into another.
My little sister Paige got car-jacked last night--her car, her wallet, her purse, her books, her i-pod are all gone. And on a teacher's salary, she must replace all this. Our family has a tendency to just deal--get the insurance check, buy a new car, wonder what one could have done differently....
I hope something good comes out of it (which is my optimism speaking), but I can't imagine what (which is my cynicism speaking).
Here's a cynical statement. And I swear I'm not in as bad of a mood as this sounds but : I've decided pessimists are the happier people. They don't worry because they already know that everything will turn out crappy. If something good happens, they are pleasanly surprised. Optimists are eternally disappointed. I'm working on being more of a pessimist but I just got the Life of Brian song stuck in my head--"always look on the bright side of life."
On to crisis number 8 of the day: What to make for dinner.
Perhaps it's time to hand of these major issues to the pizza delivery man.